“I just knew it!  I knew I was missing a piece of the puzzle!” 

I yelled at the top of my lungs, as I danced through my house, filled with a renewed energy.  “I knew I didn’t have all the information, I knew I wasn’t getting the whole picture!” As I danced around, (thankfully I was alone so no one had to witness my dancing) I was filled with a fire, a fire that would change the world. What happened?  Why was I so fired up? I discovered the truth, the missing piece of the puzzle; the ointment for my aching heart. The truth found in the book, God Is Not In Control! This book sparked an unquenchable passion in my heart to tell others about the goodness of God. I just knew I had to share my life-changing discovery with others. Others must know the true nature of God. But how could I change the world? I knew I had to share my own painful journey. I thought to myself, “Ugh… really?” I thought to myself, “there has to be an easier way to do this….” But there was not another way; I had to share my own healing journey. Thus, the writing of my book The Invitation. Here is an excerpt:

More than anything on this earth, I wanted to have an intimate relationship with God. But in spite of that desire, my relationship with God was distant and at best “lukewarm.” I would teach on the goodness of God and his love, while my heart believed the opposite. A war raged inside of me—a journal entry from the summer of 2016 read, “I don’t want to be at war with you!” But in spite of all my efforts, I was at war with God. My whole life, I had been fighting a secret war with God.

What was the secret war? A war to believe in the goodness of God! I wanted to believe that I served a good God, but his goodness was something I could never truly believe in my heart. This disbelief about his goodness created a huge chasm in my heart. I wanted to believe, but I didn’t! This chasm was not only the source of all my frustration and pain but was also responsible for the haunting fear of being “found out.”

The age-old question, “If God was so good, then why did (fill in the blank) happen?” gnawed at my mind as it does for so many believers. Believers, including myself, have used safe but incorrect responses such as “God knows why” or “You just have to trust that he had a reason.” These worn-out answers never satisfied the haunting questions that filled my heart with doubt and unbelief…

Deep in my heart, I knew I needed healing! I needed to have full confidence in the goodness of God and his love for me. Without this assurance of his goodness, I would never experience true love, security, or peace in my life. Never…

In the fall of 2017, I started my healing journey. My ministry, my writing, and my teaching all had to stop; I needed to focus my energy and strength on the task at hand…

Prayer, worship, and meditation became an ax I used to chip away at the many layers of wrong thinking and deception. Revelation of God’s goodness had to become my own truth, my reality. My heart had to be filled with his love and goodness…

I would liken this process to the refurbishing of old furniture. Hurts, disappointments, and rejections served as a thick layer of varnish over my heart. Shame provided a thick sealant of protection. “If God is so good, then why was my dad killed? Why was my childhood traumatic?” Tormenting thoughts from childhood tragedies ruled my mind and devastated my heart and created havoc in every area of my life. Security and peace stood just out of reach never to be fully grasped or experienced until I summoned the courage to invite and allow the Holy Spirit to dig deep in my heart, exposing the root of my greatest fears and chipping away at the deeply imbedded layers of deception and wrong believing…

… fear still reared its ugly face with thoughts such as “You are really putting yourself out there. What if people reject your words? What if people reject your revelations?” But God calmed those fears and spoke directly to my heart through Matthew 10:27, which states, “Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops.” The revelation and the healing were not meant to be mine alone; the journey was to be shared with others as a source of hope and encouragement. In my darkest moments, God met me and filled me with the revelation of his goodness and love; he wants to do the same for you.

“I just knew it!”  I knew I was missing a piece of the puzzle!” Just as God Is Not In Control provided my heart with truth and stirred a fire within my heart, I pray my book will do the same for you!  Are you ready to be fired up, too? 

Will you have the courage to push past old beliefs about God and embrace him as a good and loving Father? The Invitation is calling you into a deeper, more intimate relationship with God. Will you accept?                                                       

Brenda Engelking is a credentialed pas­tor, conference speaker, and author of the Love Trust Rest curriculum. For more than twenty years prior to full-time ministry, Brenda served domestic violence victims in various capacities and trained law enforce­ment, probation officers, and judges on domestic violence and lethality. Brenda is married to Matthew Engelking and lives in Minnesota with her two rescued pit bulls, Moses and Esther.

Email: 2pitluv@gmail.com

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